Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Just thinking

Everybody were saying :"You should enjoy every single minute of motherhood."
Which used to drive me nuts and make me think that maybe there is something wrong with me. Again. Because really, every single minute? Why can't I? I'm trying so hard!
And then we started sleep training. Sort of. Which, among other things, involves sitting with Marina and holding her hand while she falls asleep. And then just sitting with Marina. Not reading or anything, just being quiet.
That gave me time to reflect on a lot of things. And finally I realized that nothing is wrong with me. It is OK to get frustrated sometimes. It is OK to feel tired and lonely, and sad. Because waking up every half hour is not enjoyable. Fussy baby is not enjoyable. Baby screaming her head off - is definitely not enjoyable.
And I'm not going to even try and love these moments.
What I'm am going to love - is watching her sleep. And holding her tiny hand. And catching her smile when she wakes up and sees me. And making her laugh. And other little things like that.
And then, when she grows up, I will tell her that I enjoyed every single moment of motherhood:)


Thursday, October 15, 2015

New thing

We bought this yesterday. She's got so excited - I couldn't get her to sleep afterwards:) I guess we will have to limit the time in it for about 15 minutes a day:)




Monday, October 12, 2015

Bye-bye

Mom stayed with us for 6 months. I knew this time eventually will come to an end, but tried to push those thoughts away.
Guess what? That time came. Saturday morning my parents took turns  playing with Marina and packing. Mom looked brave and smiled as usual.



And then she waived us Bye-bye and was gone.

I couldn't believe it for a while. Alfred couldn't believe it too and kept looking for her. Then got sad and went to his kennel.
I cannot stop crying. I really miss her. This is not about the help she provided (though it's been enormous and priceless), it's not about few hours of free time a day. She became part of our life for a while and now we lost this part. She did things  in a certain way and interacted with Marina in a manner that cannot be replicated. We had a routine established and now I need to make a new one by myself.
Apartment feels a bit to empty and a bit to quiet. And suddenly I feel so-so lonely and anxious. And I cannot stop crying.
It will pass and we all get used to it, but right now it's hard. I know there is Skype and a phone, but this is not the same.  And our additional room became for me an empty Mom's room. Because I'm a shrine builder and drama maker by nature.
 Don't worry. I'll be fine. We'll be fine. I said everything out loud and it's acceptance. I'm dealing with it.
 

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

1.4 Alfreds

6 months old. Kind of big deal:)
And we did some more pictures because it's fun.

And because she's got her first teeth and I can see them!